This past weekend, I did something that changed my life, at for the most part, my sense of comfort, my sense of self, style, and possibly even my sense of who I am will never be the same.
I bought two new pairs of boots. The first is a pair of Timberland boots that I got on sale. The second, a pair of Doc Marten's, will be replacing my much worn and much beloved pair of Sketcher's black work boots, which have been my default pair of kicks (well, those and my Chuck Taylor's) since 2005.
It's funny how attached we become to shoes. For the most part, they aren't meant to be anything special. They are to simply protect our feet from the assorted barbs, rocks, discarded gum, and possible bits of animal feces that we may encounter over the course of the day. They are meant to provide extra support, in order to protect our tootsies from the abuse that concrete can inflict on you. And even to provide some extra warmth when it's extra fucking cold outside, and snowfall decides to see just how difficult it can make life on you.
And yet, we love our shoes. Women spend hundreds of dollars on a single pair of what they deem to be hot ass shoes. Men take pride in making their various pairs of shoes shine, and look like new. There are limited edition pairs of Chucks and Vans made with artwork designed by hip hop artists, graffiti artists, and comic book artists. Hell, there are even sexual fetishes when it comes to the types of shoes a person will wear.
Perhaps it is simply that shoes are meant to be an extension of ourselves, one more way in which we can take something relatively simply and make it a symbol of our own individuality. It can be something plain, simply, and functional, or something extravagant and off the wall. It can be extremely sexual or extremely casual and laid back. Shoes, despite their simply intentions, just are one of our ways to show off who we are. They are our constant companions, our simplest friends. They go with us on our adventures to various parts unknown. They choose our outfits, and decide what looks good with what. And, when we need them the most, they allow us to run for cover, run for our lives, or run to the next point of interest, with us laughing all the way.
And my Sketchers did that for me. They were there for me when I went to Albuquerque numerous times. They were there for me as I walked across the stage for my diploma. They were there when my best friend and I explored Chicago. They were there when I went to Vegas for the first time. In almost all of my good times, that pair of simple black workboots were there, supporting me and taking me on my next adventure.
And now, after seven years, it's time to move on. It's time to see what this new pair of boots can take me, what new adventures they'll allow me to experience in my 30's. While I'm not confident that they'll last as long as my Sketchers have, perhaps they'll last me long enough to experience the next phase in my life, in all it's wonderful joy, sadness, heartfelt and heartache, all the gamut of positive and negative emotions that are to be had in this life. We'll see, but they'll definitely be given the chance.
As for the Sketchers? They're still in my closet, beat up, but still more than willing to take me to a few more places. Like the best of old friends, they'll always be there for me, and always be ready to experience that next adventure.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Friday, July 20, 2012
Movie Review: The Dark Knight Rises
Before I begin, again, I'd like to send a moment to honor those that were senselessly murdered in last night's showing in Aurora, Colorado. If you have anger, despair, or some other emotion that inspires you to even toe that line where you would do something, Stephen King said it best: do something constructive. Don't be an asshole.
And now, the review.
Synopsis (as spoiler free as I can make it, using the elements from the trailers): Eight years have past since the end of the events of The Dark Knight. Gotham has settled down into a relative peace. Thanks to the decision to sacrifice The Batman in order to protect the work of Harvey Dent, Commissioner Gordon has virtually wiped out crime in Gotham, although the decision to do so weighs heavily on his soul. As for the Batman himself, he has mostly become a memory, and urban legend.
All that changes with the arrival of Bane, a former member of the League of Shadows, who arrives to Gotham to essentially perform the same task that Ras Al Ghul desired to accomplish: Gotham's downfall. Bane strikes at the fragile foundation that this peaceful Gotham has been built upon, and as the entire structure falls, and chaos reigns over the city, the city must once again turn to the protector that they once shunned, to try and save Gotham City, one last time.
Thoughts: The Dark Knight Rises (DKR for the rest of the review), already was behind the eight ball with the expectations heaped upon it from the raging success of The Dark Knight (DK). However, the film didn't shrink in the face of such stress, and rather than produce something that was merely average (Batman Forever, Terminator 3), or something that was absolutely steaming crap (Spider-Man 3, The Matrix Revolutions), DKR instead elevated itself to the rare platform of being a third film that successfully concluded the narrative with all the style and substance of it's predecessors, while leaving the audience feeling satisfied and saddened that the series is over, and wanting more.
The film draws upon several different Batman story arcs, mainly Knightfall and The Dark Knight Returns, with some elements worked in from No Man's Land and A Lonely Place of Dying worked into the mix. However, these are only the most notable of the story arcs, as Nolan gathers elements from all of the Batman universe to create this movie that feels familiar, and yet is uniquely original. There are even a few elements that are quite sneaky, but once you see them, you wonder how you missed them in the first place.
There are a great many themes at play in this film, but the two main ones being the importance of truth and loyalty. In the case of the former, the decision to hide the actions of both Harvey Dent and Rachel Dawes continue to be felt, and both still have a looming presence over the beginning of the movie. The consequences of the creation of their near sainthood weigh heavily on the two caretakers of the lie, Jim Gordon and Alfred Pennyworth. In both cases, the law of unintended consequences takes effect, as a very different outcome surrounds the original good intention of the action, and in both cases, the caretakers wonder if it was really worth it. As for loyalty, that also plays a large role in the film, as the relationships surrounding much of the early characters of DKR are ambiguous, and often come off as relationships of convenience rather than true loyalties. Only when times truly get dire do we see the intricate web of personal connections among the two different factions, including some that we never really do see coming.
Christopher Nolan does another dynamite job in this film. The visuals are stunning, maintaining that dark, gritty feel that has come to be identifiable with Chris Nolan, while also showing various other sequences meant to portray the depth of despair, the opulence of wealth, and the dark shroud in which the Batman operates all help contribute to the rich tapestry of the film. The music is fantastic, as can only be expected from Hans Zimmer, who hands down is probably one of a handful of movie composers that can legitimately tap into the soul of a film to draw out its inner melody.
Christian Bale reprises his role as Batman, making him the only member of what I believe George Clooney has dubbed “The Brotherhood” (I’m assuming from this interview on Grantland, linked here), to have portrayed the role for three films. And he certainly delivers, giving a solid performance in both halves of his role. And it also brings to mind a question explored somewhat in the comics, but never in the movies until the Nolan franchise, the physical and mental cost of being Batman. In his zeal to assume his ideal, Wayne has sacrificed and been drained of so much of himself, that at some point, there is a breaking point where he will turn up empty.
Anne Hathaway, who received a lot of scrutiny over her casting as Catwoman, delivers in her part of the film, being a sassy, morally ambiguous, that hides the shards of her humanity deep within herself in order to be able to do her job. Her action sequences are also well done, and while the outfit itself isn’t quite what one would have expected when the announcement of the role was released, it’s quite appropriate for what it’s original intended role was. Overall, she did a good job, and while I’m not quite ready to crown her as the greatest Catwoman ever, she just might be (especially considering the competition.)
Bane is excellently portrayed by Tom Hardy, and is an upgrade to the abomination that was placed onscreen in Batman And Robin. He is close to what he was in the comic source material, that of a brute, but highly intelligent criminal, cut from the same cloth as Batman, but rather than sewn into the shroud of justice, he instead was sewn into the standard of evil. He also symbolizes another theme in the film: class warfare. Without giving away too much, Bane shows little empathy for those that are in power or wealthy, and has no problems deposing and possibly disposing of them. That said, I will admit, that it is in this department that there is some weakness in the film, but only from the standpoint that it was nearly going to be impossible to top Heath Ledger as the Joker, and almost any villain, despite how well he is implemented and created, would see slightly dimmer in the wake of that performance.
The supporting cast delivers as well, which is one of the strengths of the series that cannot be overstressed. I loved Michael Caine in this movie, who shows again all the fatherly love that Alfred in the modern comics feels for Bruce. In a way, you feel for him, as he knows that he cannot stop Bruce from donning the cowl again at some point, and likely wonders just how much longer he can continue to indulge Bruce's urge to place himself in danger, knowing that each night, there is a chance that the son that he never had will never return. Likewise, Morgan Freeman returns, and again, serves as not just a trusted armorer, but also a capable operative of the Batman when necessary. There are even a few characters that you may recognize from previous films, which solicit a variety of reactions, including one that will make you laugh your ass off once you recognize him.
Gary Oldman and Joseph Gordon-Levitt also are solid in this film, and form a solid tandem. Oldman is solid as always, and while I can't elaborate too much on his actions or role, let's just say that he continues to amaze as a man who is just as devoted and shackled to his city as the Batman himself. Levitt is a welcome addition to the series, showing the melding of the two philosophies of both his mentors. He's rapidly developing into one of the better rising stars of Hollywood, and I look forward to seeing his work that will be coming in the near future (I'm already making plans to see Looper.)
It was also neat to see the different technologies from the prior two films worked in. While I'm not all that enthused about the design of the newest addition, the Bat, it does fit in with the function over style motif of the series, and, I will admit, it was an incredibly useful addition. I loved seeing the return of both the Tumbler and The Batpod, and even what appeared to be the return of the Batman Begins batsuit, although due to sleep deprivation and a caffeine binge, I'm not certain if it was.
All in all, it was a worthy conclusion to the Dark Knight series, making it the rare trilogy in which all three of the films are legitimately solid movies in their own right. It is the final stanza of Nolan's grand opus, and in the end, we are left pleasurably in awe and probably better for the experience. All in all, if more movies were made with the intent of telling a fantastic story, with all the quality writing and style that is available, maybe people wouldn't be so jaded with Hollywood. It'll never happen, though, which makes these cinematic treasures all the more valuable.
Okay, Minor Spoiler: There is no post credit scene, so go ahead and leave.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Batman On Film: From West To Bale
Some quick Batman film thoughts about each one of the current flicks before the marathon starts....
Batman: The Movie
Batman At The Helm: Adam West
Other Cast Members Of Note: Burt Ward
FourWorld Review: Classic, although highly stupid
Thoughts: Honestly, if I were to sum up Batman the Movie, it would be something like this. It's essentially everything that was both good and bad about the original series. It was fun as all hell, campy, with no real dangerous or threatening characters. It had bat gadgets galore, including the infamous shark repellant, and the campiest of campy acting ever assembled. It's very much a time capsule of not just the series, but also of what comics were at the time: tame, fun, and non-threatening.
Batman
Batman At The Helm: Michael Keaton
Other Cast Members Of Note: Jack Nicholson, Kim Basinger
Four Word Review: Trailblazing Modern Comic Classic
Thoughts: Who'd a thought that Tim Burton could have not just successfully created a comic book movie, but also virtually wrote the template of how to make one. While it's not a completely faithful translation, it is a great movie. The cast is excellent, with Keaton playing a reclusive jericurled Bruce Wayne that fights crime as Batman on the weekends. That said, the big issue I do have is that Batman does not kill, which Keaton's Batman clearly has no problems doing so. Jack Nicholson is the outgoing criminal psychopath who is charming and deadly at the same time. Gotham City is beautiful, art deco fantasy city that perfectly allows for the characters to run around. And it has the greatest Batmobile of the film series, one which would replace it's predecessor as the template of the comics Batmobile.
Batman Returns
Batman At The Helm: Michael Keaton
Other Cast Members Of Note: Danny DeVito, Michelle Pfeiffer, Christopher Walken, PeeWee Herman
Four Word Review: Underrated, but solid sequel.
Thoughts: Burton returned to Gotham, continuing the saga of the universe he created. Keaton continues to mind the cowl, and does well. It took some balls to try and translate the Penguin into a main villain, which still is a problem in comics to this day, but DeVito's portrayal is a treat, showing a tragic figure that doesn't garner much sympathy because he is a truly evil bastard. Pfeiffer is also excellent, portraying the Catwoman as a femme fatale that would probably make love to you in the corner of the alleyway just as like as she would slit your throat. This is a much more violent movie, and is a lot more frightening than it's predecessor. In fact, this is probably more of what you would expect from a Tim Burton film than Batman. That said, while it was panned and not as profitable when it first came out, history is very kind to this film.
Batman Forever
Batman At The Helm: Val Kilmer
Other Cast Members Of Note: Jim Carrey, Tommy Lee Jones, Nicole Kidman, Chris O'Donnell
FourWord Review: Better Than You Think
Thoughts: Because of the darkness of Batman Returns, Burton stepped aside for Joel Schumacher, who took the series to a new direction. The focus was turned to a mainstream audience, while whoring out plenty of bat merch. Keaton left the role, disliking the direction, but Kilmer was a worthy successor, whose Batman was honestly a lot closer, though less dark, to the original comic source material. The focus of the movie moved toward the campy, paying a sort of indirect homage to the 60's Batman series. O'Donnell was an adequate Robin, not outstanding, but served his purpose. Carrey stole the show, portraying a manic genius, although I do think that his master plan could have used some tweaking. Jones was awful, and shows that sometimes even the best actors can't turn a turd into a diamond. This film also has the ugliest of the Batmobiles, and it's mercifully destroyed toward the end. I also hated how they decided to call into question Batman's purpose for being Batman, as there was no need for it. I could have done without the Bat nipples, and hated the departure of Burton's Art Deco Gotham and the arrival of Schumacher's combination of Tokyo and Vegas, with some Ecstasy and LSD> Still, it is an entertaining film. although the trilogy should have ended there.
Batman and Robin
Batman At The Helm: George Clooney
Other Cast Members of Note: Chris O'Donnell, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Alicia Silverstone, Uma Thurman
Four Word Review: Fucking Flaming Shit Pile
Thoughts: This is just a terrible writing, with too many plot lines, all of them under developed, detestible characters, and too many characters and villains. Clooney's Batman could have been something, but instead he was given terrible writing and is also a bystander in his own movie. O'Donnel and Silverstone are terrible, and while I would give them the benefit of the doubt just because of how rotten the writing is, it did kill their careers. Schwartzenegger is terribly miscast as Mr. Freeze, and probably should have just been Bane from the beginning. Bane himself is strictly cast as dumb muscle, which is an injustice to the character. Uma Thurman sucks as Posion Ivy, losing all of her Pulp Fiction cred and being cast into show biz limbo until Kill Bill. All in all, this is really just an extended commercial for Bat merch and it killed the franchise. Things could have been so much better, but instead, greed and half assed effort took over.
Batman Begins
Batman At The Helm: Christian Bale
Other Cast Members Of Note: Michael Caine, Liam Nielson, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Ken Watanabe, Katie Holmes, Cillian Murphy
Four Word Review: Fantastic First Film Effort
Thoughts: Rather than try and resurrect the basis of the original franchise, Christopher Nolan instead attempted to do a realistic and grounded film, completely trying to do a actual film with a superhero than a superhero movie. Bale is the best of the Batmen, and is the closest to come to the comic source material. The visuals are stunning, and the writing and symbolism are off the charts fantastic. All in all, this is how comic movies should be made, and it looks like the studios took notice.
The Dark Knight
Batman At The Helm: Christian Bale
Other Cast Members Of Note: Heath Ledger, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Aaron Eckhart, Maggie "That Thing!!!!" Gyllenthall
Four Word Review: Rare Sequel Surpassing Orignal
Thoughts: Nolan outdoes himself, giving Batman a threat that is his equal. Multiple storylines, but unlike Batman and Robin, all are developed well and come to a satisfying resolution. Again, the visuals are stunning, and the action sequences are top notch. The writing is brillant, and there are acting gems to be had everywhere. Ledger is the talk of this film, giving his Joker a sense of pure and insane deadliness, while Bale gives a solid performance of a man who is torn between his desires and his duty. The cast is wonderful, and even The Thing is tolerable in her scenes, although I wish that Holmes had returned (Fuck You, Tom Cruise). Eckhart does the job that Jones couldn't or wouldn't, and gives Two-Face that sense of humanity and pity that he has in the original comic source. All in all, it's not just a great superhero movie, it's a great film period, and should have gotten more awards attention than it did.
The Dark Knight Rises
Batman At The Helm: Christian Bale
Other Cast Members of Note: Gary Oldman, Tom Hardy, Anne Hathaway, Michael Caine
Four Word Review and Thoughts: Coming soon......
.
Batman: The Movie
Batman At The Helm: Adam West
Other Cast Members Of Note: Burt Ward
FourWorld Review: Classic, although highly stupid
Thoughts: Honestly, if I were to sum up Batman the Movie, it would be something like this. It's essentially everything that was both good and bad about the original series. It was fun as all hell, campy, with no real dangerous or threatening characters. It had bat gadgets galore, including the infamous shark repellant, and the campiest of campy acting ever assembled. It's very much a time capsule of not just the series, but also of what comics were at the time: tame, fun, and non-threatening.
Batman
Batman At The Helm: Michael Keaton
Other Cast Members Of Note: Jack Nicholson, Kim Basinger
Four Word Review: Trailblazing Modern Comic Classic
Thoughts: Who'd a thought that Tim Burton could have not just successfully created a comic book movie, but also virtually wrote the template of how to make one. While it's not a completely faithful translation, it is a great movie. The cast is excellent, with Keaton playing a reclusive jericurled Bruce Wayne that fights crime as Batman on the weekends. That said, the big issue I do have is that Batman does not kill, which Keaton's Batman clearly has no problems doing so. Jack Nicholson is the outgoing criminal psychopath who is charming and deadly at the same time. Gotham City is beautiful, art deco fantasy city that perfectly allows for the characters to run around. And it has the greatest Batmobile of the film series, one which would replace it's predecessor as the template of the comics Batmobile.
Batman Returns
Batman At The Helm: Michael Keaton
Other Cast Members Of Note: Danny DeVito, Michelle Pfeiffer, Christopher Walken, PeeWee Herman
Four Word Review: Underrated, but solid sequel.
Thoughts: Burton returned to Gotham, continuing the saga of the universe he created. Keaton continues to mind the cowl, and does well. It took some balls to try and translate the Penguin into a main villain, which still is a problem in comics to this day, but DeVito's portrayal is a treat, showing a tragic figure that doesn't garner much sympathy because he is a truly evil bastard. Pfeiffer is also excellent, portraying the Catwoman as a femme fatale that would probably make love to you in the corner of the alleyway just as like as she would slit your throat. This is a much more violent movie, and is a lot more frightening than it's predecessor. In fact, this is probably more of what you would expect from a Tim Burton film than Batman. That said, while it was panned and not as profitable when it first came out, history is very kind to this film.
Batman Forever
Batman At The Helm: Val Kilmer
Other Cast Members Of Note: Jim Carrey, Tommy Lee Jones, Nicole Kidman, Chris O'Donnell
FourWord Review: Better Than You Think
Thoughts: Because of the darkness of Batman Returns, Burton stepped aside for Joel Schumacher, who took the series to a new direction. The focus was turned to a mainstream audience, while whoring out plenty of bat merch. Keaton left the role, disliking the direction, but Kilmer was a worthy successor, whose Batman was honestly a lot closer, though less dark, to the original comic source material. The focus of the movie moved toward the campy, paying a sort of indirect homage to the 60's Batman series. O'Donnell was an adequate Robin, not outstanding, but served his purpose. Carrey stole the show, portraying a manic genius, although I do think that his master plan could have used some tweaking. Jones was awful, and shows that sometimes even the best actors can't turn a turd into a diamond. This film also has the ugliest of the Batmobiles, and it's mercifully destroyed toward the end. I also hated how they decided to call into question Batman's purpose for being Batman, as there was no need for it. I could have done without the Bat nipples, and hated the departure of Burton's Art Deco Gotham and the arrival of Schumacher's combination of Tokyo and Vegas, with some Ecstasy and LSD> Still, it is an entertaining film. although the trilogy should have ended there.
Batman and Robin
Batman At The Helm: George Clooney
Other Cast Members of Note: Chris O'Donnell, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Alicia Silverstone, Uma Thurman
Four Word Review: Fucking Flaming Shit Pile
Thoughts: This is just a terrible writing, with too many plot lines, all of them under developed, detestible characters, and too many characters and villains. Clooney's Batman could have been something, but instead he was given terrible writing and is also a bystander in his own movie. O'Donnel and Silverstone are terrible, and while I would give them the benefit of the doubt just because of how rotten the writing is, it did kill their careers. Schwartzenegger is terribly miscast as Mr. Freeze, and probably should have just been Bane from the beginning. Bane himself is strictly cast as dumb muscle, which is an injustice to the character. Uma Thurman sucks as Posion Ivy, losing all of her Pulp Fiction cred and being cast into show biz limbo until Kill Bill. All in all, this is really just an extended commercial for Bat merch and it killed the franchise. Things could have been so much better, but instead, greed and half assed effort took over.
Batman Begins
Batman At The Helm: Christian Bale
Other Cast Members Of Note: Michael Caine, Liam Nielson, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Ken Watanabe, Katie Holmes, Cillian Murphy
Four Word Review: Fantastic First Film Effort
Thoughts: Rather than try and resurrect the basis of the original franchise, Christopher Nolan instead attempted to do a realistic and grounded film, completely trying to do a actual film with a superhero than a superhero movie. Bale is the best of the Batmen, and is the closest to come to the comic source material. The visuals are stunning, and the writing and symbolism are off the charts fantastic. All in all, this is how comic movies should be made, and it looks like the studios took notice.
The Dark Knight
Batman At The Helm: Christian Bale
Other Cast Members Of Note: Heath Ledger, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Aaron Eckhart, Maggie "That Thing!!!!" Gyllenthall
Four Word Review: Rare Sequel Surpassing Orignal
Thoughts: Nolan outdoes himself, giving Batman a threat that is his equal. Multiple storylines, but unlike Batman and Robin, all are developed well and come to a satisfying resolution. Again, the visuals are stunning, and the action sequences are top notch. The writing is brillant, and there are acting gems to be had everywhere. Ledger is the talk of this film, giving his Joker a sense of pure and insane deadliness, while Bale gives a solid performance of a man who is torn between his desires and his duty. The cast is wonderful, and even The Thing is tolerable in her scenes, although I wish that Holmes had returned (Fuck You, Tom Cruise). Eckhart does the job that Jones couldn't or wouldn't, and gives Two-Face that sense of humanity and pity that he has in the original comic source. All in all, it's not just a great superhero movie, it's a great film period, and should have gotten more awards attention than it did.
The Dark Knight Rises
Batman At The Helm: Christian Bale
Other Cast Members of Note: Gary Oldman, Tom Hardy, Anne Hathaway, Michael Caine
Four Word Review and Thoughts: Coming soon......
.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Third Movies in a Trilogy are a mixed bag
With The Dark Knight Rises coming out in two days, I was thinking about the history of three movies, and how they typically turn out. So, with that said, here are some thoughts of some three movies that I have seen. It's not at all comprehensive, as there are some notable ones (Indiana Jones, The Transporter, Nightmare on Elm Street, and others) that aren't listed. But, let's take a look, and see what will can possibly be an outcome for the Dark Knight Rises.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Movie Review: The Amazing Spiderman
Beer review tomorrow (sorry Marci Campos). In the mean time, it's MOVIE TIME!
Peter Parker was a young boy when he last saw his parents, who died in a plane crash shortly after he was left with his Aunt May and Uncle Ben. He would be raised by his loving relatives, who treated him as their own son. Years would pass, and Peter would attend Midtown Science High School, where he lives a rather under the radar existence except for when he moons over Gwen Stacy or is bullied by Flash Thompson.
His life would change after the discovery of some of his father's old papers, which cause him to sneak into an Oscorp intern group to attempt to meet an old friend and colleague of his father's, Dr. Curt Connors. While in the building, he would encounter a genetically enhanced spider in a research facility, which would gift him with enhanced powers and abilities. Peter would later meet Connors, where the two, using a equation from Richard Parker's notes, would successfully develop a formula that allows for the regrowth of lost limbs from a lizard's DNA. It is hoped that this formula would be used to heal the dying head of Oscorp, Norman Osborn.
Peter soon abuses his powers, which leads to a conflict with his Aunt and Uncle, and results him in neglecting responsibilities to the family. Peter storms out, and later refuses to help a convienance store owner when he is robbed. The thief shortly thereafter encounters Uncle Ben, who attempts to stop him. In the scuffle, Ben is mortally wounded, and dies in Peter's arms. Peter decides to use his powers to try and hunt down his uncle's killer, but fighting in street clothes produces it's own sort of troubles. After he falls into an abandoned gym, a luchador wrestling poster inspires him to create a mask to hide his face for his undercover operations. Later, he adds a pair of webshooters, and eventually, the iconic Spiderman costume. However, the toil of his activities produces a strain on his home life, as his Aunt becomes worried about his activities, and the physical damage he is taking.
Peter later is asked to dinner by the lovely Gwen, where the two fall in love, though the dinner itself turns badly after Peter comes into conflict with Gwen's policeman father, who is hunting his alter ego. Connors is fired from Oscorp after he refuses to begin human testing of the formula in hopes of accelerating a cure for Osborn. Connors subsequently tests the formula on himself, and discovers that he has regenerated his lost arm. However, there are disastrous side effects, as Connors subsequently loses his humanity to his false hope for his disability.
.
Now, with the police manhunt growing as much as his popularity amongst the people is, Peter must find a way to stop Connors' unstable alter ego, all the while trying to find a balance between his normal life and the one that tragedy seems to have chosen him to follow.
Peter Parker was a young boy when he last saw his parents, who died in a plane crash shortly after he was left with his Aunt May and Uncle Ben. He would be raised by his loving relatives, who treated him as their own son. Years would pass, and Peter would attend Midtown Science High School, where he lives a rather under the radar existence except for when he moons over Gwen Stacy or is bullied by Flash Thompson.
His life would change after the discovery of some of his father's old papers, which cause him to sneak into an Oscorp intern group to attempt to meet an old friend and colleague of his father's, Dr. Curt Connors. While in the building, he would encounter a genetically enhanced spider in a research facility, which would gift him with enhanced powers and abilities. Peter would later meet Connors, where the two, using a equation from Richard Parker's notes, would successfully develop a formula that allows for the regrowth of lost limbs from a lizard's DNA. It is hoped that this formula would be used to heal the dying head of Oscorp, Norman Osborn.
Peter soon abuses his powers, which leads to a conflict with his Aunt and Uncle, and results him in neglecting responsibilities to the family. Peter storms out, and later refuses to help a convienance store owner when he is robbed. The thief shortly thereafter encounters Uncle Ben, who attempts to stop him. In the scuffle, Ben is mortally wounded, and dies in Peter's arms. Peter decides to use his powers to try and hunt down his uncle's killer, but fighting in street clothes produces it's own sort of troubles. After he falls into an abandoned gym, a luchador wrestling poster inspires him to create a mask to hide his face for his undercover operations. Later, he adds a pair of webshooters, and eventually, the iconic Spiderman costume. However, the toil of his activities produces a strain on his home life, as his Aunt becomes worried about his activities, and the physical damage he is taking.
Peter later is asked to dinner by the lovely Gwen, where the two fall in love, though the dinner itself turns badly after Peter comes into conflict with Gwen's policeman father, who is hunting his alter ego. Connors is fired from Oscorp after he refuses to begin human testing of the formula in hopes of accelerating a cure for Osborn. Connors subsequently tests the formula on himself, and discovers that he has regenerated his lost arm. However, there are disastrous side effects, as Connors subsequently loses his humanity to his false hope for his disability.
.
Now, with the police manhunt growing as much as his popularity amongst the people is, Peter must find a way to stop Connors' unstable alter ego, all the while trying to find a balance between his normal life and the one that tragedy seems to have chosen him to follow.
To be honest, I was a bit apprehensive as to what I was going to encounter with The Amazing Spiderman. To be quite frank, I thought that the old franchise was still too new for any sort of reboot. I was actually hoping that Marvel would somehow get the rights back, as I would love to see some Spiderman interaction with the rest of the crew from the Avengers universe. That wasn't going to be the case, however, and being the comic fan that I am, of course I was going to see this flick. And to be honest, I was rather pleased with the product, but not overwhelmed by it, which I'll explain upon in a bit.
First of all, it's a visually pleasing film, as the visuals of it are pretty strong, with some great animated fight scenes, plenty of Spidey swinging on a web through New York, and a rather convincingly animated Lizard, or at least as convincingly as could be expected. They were also able to have quite a few sequences of Spiderman living up to the name, from the descent upside down into a sewer to the wall climbing sequences. Overall, it was pretty well done in this respect, and lives up to the Raimi trilogy in this fashion.
First of all, it's a visually pleasing film, as the visuals of it are pretty strong, with some great animated fight scenes, plenty of Spidey swinging on a web through New York, and a rather convincingly animated Lizard, or at least as convincingly as could be expected. They were also able to have quite a few sequences of Spiderman living up to the name, from the descent upside down into a sewer to the wall climbing sequences. Overall, it was pretty well done in this respect, and lives up to the Raimi trilogy in this fashion.
The cast is quite good, and improves in some areas on the
original. For starters, I like Andrew
Garfield a lot more as Spiderman than I ever did Toby Maguire, who always felt
a little wrong in the role. For starters, Garfield actually looks like a teenager when he becomes Spiderman, while Toby both looked and felt like a man playing a teenager. It didn't help the Raimi franchise much that Maguire and Kirsten Dundst aged badly after the original film. By Spiderman 2, the best of that franchise, you kinda got the feeling already that the leads were stretched in their current roles, and that seeing them as the long term answers in the roles was not going to happen. It's kind of like watching The Karate Kid Part III, when you knew that, yeah, it was over for Ralph Maccio as Daniel LaRusso, who was 19 going on 35. Maguire's Parker was also a lot more unsettled, and unsure of what he was doing, how to manage his powers, as well as what he hoped to accomplish as a hero. Garfield's Parker is a lot more confident and self assured of himself, which is nice, and takes off some of the unnecessary angst that was in the Raimi trilogy. Another positive difference between himself and Maguire is that Garfield's Spiderman isn't quite as bulky or muscular as Maguire's was, but rather a lot more limber and athletic, which upon some thought, actually makes a lot more sense considering the different physical actions, fighting style, and transport methods Spiderman does engage in. Finally, I was pleased to see the return of the webshooters in this incarnation of the franchise, which always seemed to have a sort of presence in the films due to their knack to fail in certain situations. All in all, I was quite pleased to see the changes done to the new Spidey.
Rhys Ifans, who is cast as Curt Connors, almost steals the show, showing his character to be that of a essentially good, but flawed man who has chosen to shackle his sense of morals and scientific purpose to that of what he percieves as the best good. It is only when his project, and subsequent sense of purpose, is threatened to be taken from him, that he snaps. But even then, there is enough of a moral center that Connors clings to, although it will take a jarring shot to the head and heart to bring it back. What I also liked was how, after his initial transformation into The Lizard, how he seems to embrace his new dark side, and even allows a sense of malice to show in his voice as he converses with Peter later in the film.
The rest of the cast is quite solid as well. Emma Stone is awesome, as she usually is in almost any role she takes on, and and takes to the role of Gwen Stacy quite nicely. The character's portrayal is more along the lines of the original Marvel continuity, rather than that of the Ultimate Universe, although this character is considerably brainier and feistier than the original ever was. Dennis Leary is also quite good in his role as George Stacy, and is able to breathe his own sort of sarcastic and tough guy comedy into the character, which is a welcome departure from how I've traditionally seen or read the character. Finally, Martin Sheen and Sally Field do well in their limited roles as Ben and May Parker, showing themselves as strong characters who do genuinely love their nephew as their own, and are loved in return. I especially loved Field's portray of May, which again is a departure from the typically frail and near death version of Aunt May that has been dry humped into society.
Another thing I did appreciate is that the movie did try and follow the Nolan model for the Batman franchise. In this instance, the first film is used to introduce the universe, and does so with a well known and established villain, and is able to do so without burning the huge baddie known as the heroes nemesis, which is introduced in the second film. So, my guess is we'll be getting the Green Goblin in the sequel, which was indicated through the numerous mentions of Norman Osborne throughout the film.
Rhys Ifans, who is cast as Curt Connors, almost steals the show, showing his character to be that of a essentially good, but flawed man who has chosen to shackle his sense of morals and scientific purpose to that of what he percieves as the best good. It is only when his project, and subsequent sense of purpose, is threatened to be taken from him, that he snaps. But even then, there is enough of a moral center that Connors clings to, although it will take a jarring shot to the head and heart to bring it back. What I also liked was how, after his initial transformation into The Lizard, how he seems to embrace his new dark side, and even allows a sense of malice to show in his voice as he converses with Peter later in the film.
The rest of the cast is quite solid as well. Emma Stone is awesome, as she usually is in almost any role she takes on, and and takes to the role of Gwen Stacy quite nicely. The character's portrayal is more along the lines of the original Marvel continuity, rather than that of the Ultimate Universe, although this character is considerably brainier and feistier than the original ever was. Dennis Leary is also quite good in his role as George Stacy, and is able to breathe his own sort of sarcastic and tough guy comedy into the character, which is a welcome departure from how I've traditionally seen or read the character. Finally, Martin Sheen and Sally Field do well in their limited roles as Ben and May Parker, showing themselves as strong characters who do genuinely love their nephew as their own, and are loved in return. I especially loved Field's portray of May, which again is a departure from the typically frail and near death version of Aunt May that has been dry humped into society.
Another thing I did appreciate is that the movie did try and follow the Nolan model for the Batman franchise. In this instance, the first film is used to introduce the universe, and does so with a well known and established villain, and is able to do so without burning the huge baddie known as the heroes nemesis, which is introduced in the second film. So, my guess is we'll be getting the Green Goblin in the sequel, which was indicated through the numerous mentions of Norman Osborne throughout the film.
That said, there are some warts in the film. Continuity is changed a bit, namely in how Peter got his powers, but in retrospect, it is presented in a way that allows for it to be believable, rather than just a simply accident. Also, the movie does drag a little bit, and in retrospect, is about
ten to fifteen minutes too longer. There
are a couple of sequences that could have been made shorter, and at least one
Gwen-Peter scene that could have been scrapped altogether. But, the only issue I could see where people would have had
a problem with the film is that, well, we’ve kind of seem this before.
What do I mean by that? When rebooting a franchise, it requires two things for it to be successful: distance and difference. We saw it implemented in a successful way in the Batman reboot, and in a smaller success in the Star Trek reboot. In both cases, there were several years that had passed since the last film of the previous franchise (8 in the case of Batman, 7 in the case of Star Trek), and both films were so drastically different in terms of looks, production, story and feel that they seemed like fresh, new beginnings and franchises for both. In the case of Spiderman, it's been a little under five years since the last of the Spiderman movies, during which the movies still were relatively fresh in the minds of people. But more importantly is that these still feel like a Sam Raimi film, from the rather serious and slightly emotional tone of loss to that of an excitement of a young man discovering something about himself, and venturing to try and use it to try and change the world. Even some of the web swinging sequences are similar, as is a particular sequence in which a sense of paranoia and fear is used (not elaborating it due to it being important to the plot.) So while the overall end product may be different in terms of it's story and direction, it still feels like it was made with Sam Raimi's toolkit.
So, in the end, The Amazing Spiderman was a quality film. That said, unlike the Avengers, I don't feel a need to see it again in theaters, nor was it enough to remain in my memory where I have the wish to talk about it after the fact. But still, go see it. It's good fun.
What do I mean by that? When rebooting a franchise, it requires two things for it to be successful: distance and difference. We saw it implemented in a successful way in the Batman reboot, and in a smaller success in the Star Trek reboot. In both cases, there were several years that had passed since the last film of the previous franchise (8 in the case of Batman, 7 in the case of Star Trek), and both films were so drastically different in terms of looks, production, story and feel that they seemed like fresh, new beginnings and franchises for both. In the case of Spiderman, it's been a little under five years since the last of the Spiderman movies, during which the movies still were relatively fresh in the minds of people. But more importantly is that these still feel like a Sam Raimi film, from the rather serious and slightly emotional tone of loss to that of an excitement of a young man discovering something about himself, and venturing to try and use it to try and change the world. Even some of the web swinging sequences are similar, as is a particular sequence in which a sense of paranoia and fear is used (not elaborating it due to it being important to the plot.) So while the overall end product may be different in terms of it's story and direction, it still feels like it was made with Sam Raimi's toolkit.
So, in the end, The Amazing Spiderman was a quality film. That said, unlike the Avengers, I don't feel a need to see it again in theaters, nor was it enough to remain in my memory where I have the wish to talk about it after the fact. But still, go see it. It's good fun.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Ten Of My Favorite Good Bad Movies
While I'm on the topic of movies, there are a special category of movies that exist. A category of movies that are simply so bad, so ludicrous, that you just can't help but watch them. These movies are just so cheesy, so poorly acted, that they're just awesome. It never fails. You're flicking through the channels, probably looking for something good to watch, you pass a channel on your way to History, or some Adult Swim goodness, and bam!, you're fucked. All good sense goes out the window, along with the two hours plus commericals, and you feel entertained, though slightly dirty at the end of the experience. What's worse, you might actually own some of these abominations on DVD, simply because, to be honest, you love that awful movie, although you'll never actually make the effort to pop it into your DVD player or Netflix. It's simply there in the event that you do.
With that in mind, here are ten of my favorite awful movies, in no particular order.
Directed By: Menahem Golan
Actors Of Note: Sylvester Stallone.
Plot, Such As It Is: Stallone stars as Lincoln Hawk, a truck driver who arm wrestles on the side to earn some extra coin. At the request of his dying ex-wife, he picks up his estranged son to spend time with him as they cruise across the US. Father and son bond, but arrive too late to see Hawk's wife before she passes away. Hawk's rich asshole former father in law, Jason Cutler, refuses to allow Hawk to keep his grandson, and after saying goodbye, Hawk heads to Vegas to compete in the World Arm Wrestling Championship. During the tourney, Cutler offers to essentially buy his son off of him with the promise of half a million and a new semi, and Hawk's son finds out about his grandfather being an asshole by his repeated actions to drive a wedge between his parents and himself. During perhaps one of the most constepated arm wrestling scenes you'll ever see, Hawk's son arrives at the crucial moment, giving Hawk the needed boost to win. Father and son reconcile, grandfather gets out of the way, and all live happily ever after.
Why I Like This Movie: It's essentially Rocky, but less athletic. That said, it's so honestly cheesy and poorly acted, with characters that are essentially no more developed other than the cardboard cutout chick at the Circle K, that it's just awesome. Where else can you see life and death stakes on arm wrestling, as well as Stallone performing Hawk's shifting hand grip, which was the clear give away that, oh shit, Hawk's gonna put this away! It's a stupid movie, but damn it, I'll still watch the hell out of this movie if only because I'll laugh my ass off at half of the "dramatic sequences."
On a side note, this probably won't be the last of these movies starring Stallone, who has made a career of appearing in absolute horse shit movies, some of which are just simply bad. Rhinestone bad!
Directed By: Rodman Flender
Actors Of Note: Jessica Alba, Seth Green, and really, that's about all you need to know.
Plot, Such As It Is: Essentially, Anton is the typical teenage stoner, who by some odd trick of the universe, discovers that his right hand has become possessed. Anton engages in a string of murders against his will, though he does end up starting a relationship with his cute neighbor Molly (Alba). After severing his hand to protect himself, the hand escapes Anton's prison (his microwave) and proceeds to go on a rampage. Eventually, the hand is defeated (humerously by getting it stoned before it is killed with a knife), and Anton lives happily ever after with Molly.
Why I Like This Movie: To be honest, this is an absolutely stupid movie. I've only seen this movie the whole way through once or twice. The writing is horrid, it's premise is too stupid to work for a horror movie, and it doesn't have enough cheap yucks or zany humor for it to work as a stoner movie. Really, there is only one reason why I even bother with this movie in spurts. And that reason is Jessica Alba, who is quite the cutie in this film. If I recall, the past and lamer teenage version of myself had a major crush on her at the time (I was one of the few that watched Dark Angel religiously) before I realized that she really couldn't act worth a damn. In any case, Idle Hands makes my list simply because, really, Alba is almost worth the price of admission in this movie. Not full weekend price, but the matinee price at the most.
Directed by: Paul W. S. Anderson
Actors Of Note: Actually, some solid actors here with Jason Statham, Joan Allen, Tyrese Gibson, Ian McShane, Natalie Martinez, David Carradine, and the dude from Machete.
Plot, Such As It Is: Jensen Ames, a former professional race car driver accused of murdering his wife, is sent to compete in the Death Race pay per view event as the wildly popular driver Frankenstein, who had died in the previous race, in exchange for his freedom. After some pretty awesome racing combat sequences, Ames discovers that he was framed, plans his escape with the other remaining driver, and rides off into the sunset.
Why I Like This Movie: Yes, it's stupid, and it lacks the B movie violence and gore (and Sylvester Stallone) that the original had, but for the most part, there is one factor that makes this movie a favorite and a must watch: Jason Statham. Statham is one of my favorite actors to watch, and while he does a great deal of tough guy work, he is a fairly good serious actor too, in the limited amount of serious work he does. Most of his work is entertaining, and worth watching, with the exception of the Crank series, which is honestly too stupid to even be considered good by bad movie standards. In any case, Death Race has an enjoyable amount of violence, the incredibly delectable Natalie Martinez, and, while shallow, doesn't attempt to be anything more than good fun entertainment. It's a action flick you'll never have to turn your brain on to enjoy. Just sit back, order a pizza, and pop open a beer. It's a couple of hours of great fun. Spike usually runs it about once a week.
Directed By: Lexi Alexander
Actors Of Note: Ray Stevenson is the lead, and the only guy that did anything signficant is Wayne Knight, better known as Neuman from Seinfeld.
Plot, Such As It Is: Frank Castle, the Punisher, essentially just murders his way though the mob, as penance for accidentally murdering a police officer. Yeah, the plot is paper thin here, enough so that, really, I can't sum it up more than this..
Why I Like This Movie: To be honest, I do like this movie mostly because it's a lot like the modern Punisher comics that have been released since Garth Ennis completely redid the character in the "Welcome Back, Frank" storyline close to ten years ago. It's not easy viewing, but to be honest, if you like watching horror movies simply for the violence and gore, this will probably get your motor running. This, I think, is the last of the Marvel movies before everything was redone under the Marvel Movie Universe line, which has obviously been quite successful. Also occassionally shown on Spike.
Directed By: Bruce Malmuth
Actors Of Note: Steven Segal, Kelly LeBrock
Plot, Such As It Is: Mason Storm (Segal), a honest cop, uncovers what appears to be corruption on a tape (for all we know, it could just be his taped reruns of Knight Rider on the thing.) He is attacked, along with his partner, by corrupt cops, and survives, but is in a coma. Storm awakens years later, but is still a target by the corrupt cop cabal. He's saved by Lisa from Weird Science (I'm not kidding), and trains himself back into fighting form at her place. After recovering said Knight Rider reruns, Segal fights his way to the source of the corruption, a Senator whom he recognized from before thanks to a cheesy catch phrase I can't remember at the moment, and is able to finally clear his name, and reunite with his now teenage son.
Why I Like This Movie: It's one of Segal's only real acting jobs, and even then that's kind of a stretch to say that. The sad part of this movie is that the potential was here for it to actually be a quality movie. Had the producers tried to cast this with actual actors, instead of Segal, Kelly LeBrock, and the regular run of the mill martial arts bad guys, there really could have been something here. Still, it's entertaining, and represents on of LeBrock's only real roles of note outside of Weird Science. The dialogue is laughable enough due to the fact that this movie has one of the worsts ensamble casts outside of Double Impact and, of course, the now infamous Street Fighter.
Directed By: Tony Scott
Actors Of Note: Tony Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Robert Duvall, Carey Elwes, Randy Quiad
Plot, Such As It Is: Cole Trickle (one of the best and worst names ever), a successful Indy Car Driver, is recruited to drive in the NASCAR series by Randy Quaid. Cole has trouble finishing races, due to the change in cars, but eventually enjoys success until a massive car wreck results in Trickle sustaining serious injuries. He winds up romancing his surgon, Kidman, while a new hotshit driver (the Dread Pirate Roberts from the Princess Bride) winds up taking over his spot on the team. When Trickle returns, tensions escalate until he is fired for wrecking his rival into a wall. Trickle eventually returns to racing when one of his former rivals, turn friends, asks him to pinch hit as a driver at Daytona. In dramatic fashion, complete with mechanical failure, Trickle wins out. End credits.
Why I Like This Movie: This is probably one of the first signs that Tom Cruise was mailing it in, in terms of movies. Essentially, this is pretty much the framework for Top Gun, except with NASCAR and Nicole Kidman built on top of it. The story is similar to Top Gun, in that a cocky, up and comer suffers a much need fall, dusts himself off and, once given a second chance, is able to shine and come up on top. The acting isn't great, despite the fact that there are a great deal of quality actors in this film, and the racing scenes are fairly well done. Overall, there are some that love this film, and others that hate it. Personally, I see it as just what it is, namely Talladega Nights taking itself much more seriously than it deserves to.
Directed By: Stuart Gordon
Actors Of Note: Does it really matter?
Plot, Such As It Is: After World War III, natural resources are scarce. Rather than find ways to properly manage these resources, the nations of the world instead decides to distribute these precious goods over giant robot battles. Those that pilot them are called Jocks. The main "Jock" in the film is Achillies, who is entering his final fight, while also training, and perhaps wanting to bang his replacement, Athena. His arch nemesis is a man by the name of Alexander, a Russian (of course, as this was made towards the end of the cold war, when the Russians were still supposed to be the bad guys.) What happens is that Achillies accidentally kills some spectators during his final match, which haunts him until he finds out that Athena will fight in his place at the rematch. Long story short, there are some epic robot battles, which even take place in space, before Achillies and Alexander, out of respect, stop fighting and salute each other.
Why I Like This Movie: In terms of acting ensembles, this is one of the worst ever collected. The plot line is absolutely horrid, and has so many holes that you could drive a fleet of mack trucks through it and not do any damage. But why do I love this movie? GIANT FUCKING ROBOT BATTLES! Oh hell yes! This is actually a movie that should totally be remade. Imagine the possibilities, with an actual plot. I've only seen this movie in English once, and haven't seen it in a Region I DVD. I have, however, seen it countless times in Spanish, which I understand. That is irrelevant, again, because of the GIANT FUCKING ROBOT BATTLES!
GIANT FUCKING ROBOT BATTLES!
Sorry, I had to say it one more time.
Directed By: Sheldon Lettich
Actors Of Note: Just a whole lotta Jean Claude Van Damme
Plot, Such As It Is: Twin brothers seperated at birth, Chad and Alex, are reunited 25 years after their family was murdered by a business partner, seeking to consolodate his hold over their mutual business holdings (yeah, that sounds stupid, but I'm talking about Double Freaking Impact, so hush.) The two subsequently are targeted by the Chinese Triads, who are in league with their parents' killers, and after some bumps along the road, the two are able to avenge the death of their parents, stop the Triads for good, and become brothers once more.
Why I Like This Movie: This is probably the closest anyone would ever get to having a Double Dragon movie, and yes I'm aware that Double Dragon was made into a movie. It sucked. And this is my blog anyway, so pound sand. This movie was trumpeted as being Van Damme vs. Van Damme, although it really never gets to that point. There are some good action sequences, and a lot of ridiculous dialogue and T&A, which was par for the course of a lot of Van Damme movies. However, unlike a lot of the earlier Van Damme films, like Bloodsport, Kickboxer, and Universal Soldier (the holy trinity of JCVD films), Double Impact never really had much of a hold on anyone, and exists strictly as mindless fun, and late night cable or spanish language programming. Again, you really just watch this film to see JCVD kick some almighty ass.
Directed By: John Fortenberry
Actors Of Note: Chris Kattan, Will Ferrell, Molly Shannon, Richard Greico
Plot, Such As It Is: Two brothers, Steve and Doug Butabi, are a pair of clubgoers that are miserable failures at both getting into clubs, as well as meeting women. By day, they work in a plant store, mostly fucking off, while also dreaming of building a club on the level of the Roxbury, which they can never enter. Tension is also provided by the fact that their father wishes Steve would marry the aggrevating daughter of the lamp store next door, allowing them to combine the two businesses. One day, the two finally do enter the Roxbury after meeting Richard Greico shortly after an accident, where the two meet the clubs owner, who takes an instant liking to them. The two wind up meeting a pair of women, with whom they have awkward sex with, until they are wind up on the wrong side of the owner's bodyguard, played by Colin Quinn. Their world falls apart after the brothers have a falling out, and Doug moves into the family guest house. Steve ends up dating the lamp store owner's daughter, until the day of the wedding, when the two reconcile and Steve breaks off the engagement. The two brothers end up seeing their club idea after all, and discover that they are, in fact, part owners, with the club having been constructed by the club owner from earlier in the film, and the two go on happily ever after.
Why I Like This Movie: The film was born of a rather hillarious SNL sketch, which probably didn't merit being made into a movie, but was. The film's novelty wears thin quickly, resulting in the inevitable drag that terrible movies usually experience. That said, it does have it's stupid humor in droves, and has cursed Collin Quinn with the infamous "Did you touch my ass?" line that plagues him to this day. Sadly, it's probably one of the more successful SNL film productions ever made by the studio, and despite it being hammered by critics, it enjoys a cult following. I won't sit through this movie entirely, but I'll catch it from time to time and watch a good 45 minutes of it. One final note about this flick is that it's soundtrack is very much a time capsule of the time. Anyone that remembers the house music of the 90's will identify the movie's soundtrack as fairly accurate time capsule of the era.
And that's it for now. I don't think I can write about more awesomely bad movies for now. Until next time....
With that in mind, here are ten of my favorite awful movies, in no particular order.
All images from Wikipedia, BTW.
Over The Top
Made: 1987Directed By: Menahem Golan
Actors Of Note: Sylvester Stallone.
Plot, Such As It Is: Stallone stars as Lincoln Hawk, a truck driver who arm wrestles on the side to earn some extra coin. At the request of his dying ex-wife, he picks up his estranged son to spend time with him as they cruise across the US. Father and son bond, but arrive too late to see Hawk's wife before she passes away. Hawk's rich asshole former father in law, Jason Cutler, refuses to allow Hawk to keep his grandson, and after saying goodbye, Hawk heads to Vegas to compete in the World Arm Wrestling Championship. During the tourney, Cutler offers to essentially buy his son off of him with the promise of half a million and a new semi, and Hawk's son finds out about his grandfather being an asshole by his repeated actions to drive a wedge between his parents and himself. During perhaps one of the most constepated arm wrestling scenes you'll ever see, Hawk's son arrives at the crucial moment, giving Hawk the needed boost to win. Father and son reconcile, grandfather gets out of the way, and all live happily ever after.
Why I Like This Movie: It's essentially Rocky, but less athletic. That said, it's so honestly cheesy and poorly acted, with characters that are essentially no more developed other than the cardboard cutout chick at the Circle K, that it's just awesome. Where else can you see life and death stakes on arm wrestling, as well as Stallone performing Hawk's shifting hand grip, which was the clear give away that, oh shit, Hawk's gonna put this away! It's a stupid movie, but damn it, I'll still watch the hell out of this movie if only because I'll laugh my ass off at half of the "dramatic sequences."
On a side note, this probably won't be the last of these movies starring Stallone, who has made a career of appearing in absolute horse shit movies, some of which are just simply bad. Rhinestone bad!
Idle Hands
Made: 1999Directed By: Rodman Flender
Actors Of Note: Jessica Alba, Seth Green, and really, that's about all you need to know.
Plot, Such As It Is: Essentially, Anton is the typical teenage stoner, who by some odd trick of the universe, discovers that his right hand has become possessed. Anton engages in a string of murders against his will, though he does end up starting a relationship with his cute neighbor Molly (Alba). After severing his hand to protect himself, the hand escapes Anton's prison (his microwave) and proceeds to go on a rampage. Eventually, the hand is defeated (humerously by getting it stoned before it is killed with a knife), and Anton lives happily ever after with Molly.
Why I Like This Movie: To be honest, this is an absolutely stupid movie. I've only seen this movie the whole way through once or twice. The writing is horrid, it's premise is too stupid to work for a horror movie, and it doesn't have enough cheap yucks or zany humor for it to work as a stoner movie. Really, there is only one reason why I even bother with this movie in spurts. And that reason is Jessica Alba, who is quite the cutie in this film. If I recall, the past and lamer teenage version of myself had a major crush on her at the time (I was one of the few that watched Dark Angel religiously) before I realized that she really couldn't act worth a damn. In any case, Idle Hands makes my list simply because, really, Alba is almost worth the price of admission in this movie. Not full weekend price, but the matinee price at the most.
Death Race
Made: 2008Directed by: Paul W. S. Anderson
Actors Of Note: Actually, some solid actors here with Jason Statham, Joan Allen, Tyrese Gibson, Ian McShane, Natalie Martinez, David Carradine, and the dude from Machete.
Plot, Such As It Is: Jensen Ames, a former professional race car driver accused of murdering his wife, is sent to compete in the Death Race pay per view event as the wildly popular driver Frankenstein, who had died in the previous race, in exchange for his freedom. After some pretty awesome racing combat sequences, Ames discovers that he was framed, plans his escape with the other remaining driver, and rides off into the sunset.
Why I Like This Movie: Yes, it's stupid, and it lacks the B movie violence and gore (and Sylvester Stallone) that the original had, but for the most part, there is one factor that makes this movie a favorite and a must watch: Jason Statham. Statham is one of my favorite actors to watch, and while he does a great deal of tough guy work, he is a fairly good serious actor too, in the limited amount of serious work he does. Most of his work is entertaining, and worth watching, with the exception of the Crank series, which is honestly too stupid to even be considered good by bad movie standards. In any case, Death Race has an enjoyable amount of violence, the incredibly delectable Natalie Martinez, and, while shallow, doesn't attempt to be anything more than good fun entertainment. It's a action flick you'll never have to turn your brain on to enjoy. Just sit back, order a pizza, and pop open a beer. It's a couple of hours of great fun. Spike usually runs it about once a week.
Punisher: War Zone
Made: 2008Directed By: Lexi Alexander
Actors Of Note: Ray Stevenson is the lead, and the only guy that did anything signficant is Wayne Knight, better known as Neuman from Seinfeld.
Plot, Such As It Is: Frank Castle, the Punisher, essentially just murders his way though the mob, as penance for accidentally murdering a police officer. Yeah, the plot is paper thin here, enough so that, really, I can't sum it up more than this..
Why I Like This Movie: To be honest, I do like this movie mostly because it's a lot like the modern Punisher comics that have been released since Garth Ennis completely redid the character in the "Welcome Back, Frank" storyline close to ten years ago. It's not easy viewing, but to be honest, if you like watching horror movies simply for the violence and gore, this will probably get your motor running. This, I think, is the last of the Marvel movies before everything was redone under the Marvel Movie Universe line, which has obviously been quite successful. Also occassionally shown on Spike.
Hard To Kill
Made: 1990Directed By: Bruce Malmuth
Actors Of Note: Steven Segal, Kelly LeBrock
Plot, Such As It Is: Mason Storm (Segal), a honest cop, uncovers what appears to be corruption on a tape (for all we know, it could just be his taped reruns of Knight Rider on the thing.) He is attacked, along with his partner, by corrupt cops, and survives, but is in a coma. Storm awakens years later, but is still a target by the corrupt cop cabal. He's saved by Lisa from Weird Science (I'm not kidding), and trains himself back into fighting form at her place. After recovering said Knight Rider reruns, Segal fights his way to the source of the corruption, a Senator whom he recognized from before thanks to a cheesy catch phrase I can't remember at the moment, and is able to finally clear his name, and reunite with his now teenage son.
Why I Like This Movie: It's one of Segal's only real acting jobs, and even then that's kind of a stretch to say that. The sad part of this movie is that the potential was here for it to actually be a quality movie. Had the producers tried to cast this with actual actors, instead of Segal, Kelly LeBrock, and the regular run of the mill martial arts bad guys, there really could have been something here. Still, it's entertaining, and represents on of LeBrock's only real roles of note outside of Weird Science. The dialogue is laughable enough due to the fact that this movie has one of the worsts ensamble casts outside of Double Impact and, of course, the now infamous Street Fighter.
Days Of Thunder
Made: 1990Directed By: Tony Scott
Actors Of Note: Tony Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Robert Duvall, Carey Elwes, Randy Quiad
Plot, Such As It Is: Cole Trickle (one of the best and worst names ever), a successful Indy Car Driver, is recruited to drive in the NASCAR series by Randy Quaid. Cole has trouble finishing races, due to the change in cars, but eventually enjoys success until a massive car wreck results in Trickle sustaining serious injuries. He winds up romancing his surgon, Kidman, while a new hotshit driver (the Dread Pirate Roberts from the Princess Bride) winds up taking over his spot on the team. When Trickle returns, tensions escalate until he is fired for wrecking his rival into a wall. Trickle eventually returns to racing when one of his former rivals, turn friends, asks him to pinch hit as a driver at Daytona. In dramatic fashion, complete with mechanical failure, Trickle wins out. End credits.
Why I Like This Movie: This is probably one of the first signs that Tom Cruise was mailing it in, in terms of movies. Essentially, this is pretty much the framework for Top Gun, except with NASCAR and Nicole Kidman built on top of it. The story is similar to Top Gun, in that a cocky, up and comer suffers a much need fall, dusts himself off and, once given a second chance, is able to shine and come up on top. The acting isn't great, despite the fact that there are a great deal of quality actors in this film, and the racing scenes are fairly well done. Overall, there are some that love this film, and others that hate it. Personally, I see it as just what it is, namely Talladega Nights taking itself much more seriously than it deserves to.
Judge Dredd
Made: 1995
Directed By: Danny Cannon
Actors Of Note: Sylvester Stallone, Diane Lane, Rob Schneider?
Plot, Such As It Is: After World War III, human kind has collected in Giant cities, called Megacities (how original) which are policed by officers called Judges, which are police, judge, and executioner. The most famous of them is Judge Dredd, who is subsequently framed for murder and exiled. However, Dredd discovers that there is tretchery afoot, tthat his clone brother Rico, whom he had judged years earlier and had sent to prison, had engineered the entire affair to gain power and revenge. Dredd makes it back to the city, aided by Schneider, whom he had judged earlier in the film, and is able to mount enough of a counterattack that he is able to defeat his brother and restore order to Megacity I.
Why I Like This Movie: For starters, the give away that this is going to be a terrible film is that Stallone's name is in large print at the very top of the poster. That right there is usually a dead giveaway when it comes to terrible Stallone pictures. As for the movie, it should be noted that Judge Dredd the comic is based more along the lines of the film Dirty Harry, in which justice is faceless, unrelenting, and eventually, successful. There is humor, of the dark part, and even the artwork in the magazine is meant to be dark, gritty, and utilitarian. This is not what Judge Dredd the Movie is. While it takes itself way too seriously, the movie itself is rather hammy and corny. Dredd fans were upset over the fact that the movie itself ignored several conventional Dredd guidelines (no romantic interests, Dredd's face can never be shown for starters), and while really that shouldn't be a large issue, it should be noted. The large problem with this film is that, aside from it being poorly acted, there are too many agendas at work. Is this a film about what makes a man, which is wrestled by Dredd after he discovers his origins? Is this a film about the dangers of cloning, or the dangers of having a police state that has too much power over the lives of it's citizens? A danger about what could eventually arise out of catestorphic war if we aren't willing to think and guide current events outselves? Or is this just meant to be a large amount of good, cheesy fun? No one knows, although the legacy of this film is the later. Even Stallone admits that he may have fumbled the ball with this film. Fortunately, while I do have a soft spot in my heart for this film, the character looks to be getting a worthwhile adaptation this fall with the movie Dredd. On another note, one interesting nugget about the film is the inclusion of the song, Dredd Song, written by The Cure. The reason why I bring this up is that is is probably one of their only appearances on a soundtrack that isn't set in the 1980's and is also completely out of what they would normally contribute to.
Robot Jox
Made: 1989Directed By: Stuart Gordon
Actors Of Note: Does it really matter?
Plot, Such As It Is: After World War III, natural resources are scarce. Rather than find ways to properly manage these resources, the nations of the world instead decides to distribute these precious goods over giant robot battles. Those that pilot them are called Jocks. The main "Jock" in the film is Achillies, who is entering his final fight, while also training, and perhaps wanting to bang his replacement, Athena. His arch nemesis is a man by the name of Alexander, a Russian (of course, as this was made towards the end of the cold war, when the Russians were still supposed to be the bad guys.) What happens is that Achillies accidentally kills some spectators during his final match, which haunts him until he finds out that Athena will fight in his place at the rematch. Long story short, there are some epic robot battles, which even take place in space, before Achillies and Alexander, out of respect, stop fighting and salute each other.
Why I Like This Movie: In terms of acting ensembles, this is one of the worst ever collected. The plot line is absolutely horrid, and has so many holes that you could drive a fleet of mack trucks through it and not do any damage. But why do I love this movie? GIANT FUCKING ROBOT BATTLES! Oh hell yes! This is actually a movie that should totally be remade. Imagine the possibilities, with an actual plot. I've only seen this movie in English once, and haven't seen it in a Region I DVD. I have, however, seen it countless times in Spanish, which I understand. That is irrelevant, again, because of the GIANT FUCKING ROBOT BATTLES!
GIANT FUCKING ROBOT BATTLES!
Sorry, I had to say it one more time.
Double Impact
Made: 1991Directed By: Sheldon Lettich
Actors Of Note: Just a whole lotta Jean Claude Van Damme
Plot, Such As It Is: Twin brothers seperated at birth, Chad and Alex, are reunited 25 years after their family was murdered by a business partner, seeking to consolodate his hold over their mutual business holdings (yeah, that sounds stupid, but I'm talking about Double Freaking Impact, so hush.) The two subsequently are targeted by the Chinese Triads, who are in league with their parents' killers, and after some bumps along the road, the two are able to avenge the death of their parents, stop the Triads for good, and become brothers once more.
Why I Like This Movie: This is probably the closest anyone would ever get to having a Double Dragon movie, and yes I'm aware that Double Dragon was made into a movie. It sucked. And this is my blog anyway, so pound sand. This movie was trumpeted as being Van Damme vs. Van Damme, although it really never gets to that point. There are some good action sequences, and a lot of ridiculous dialogue and T&A, which was par for the course of a lot of Van Damme movies. However, unlike a lot of the earlier Van Damme films, like Bloodsport, Kickboxer, and Universal Soldier (the holy trinity of JCVD films), Double Impact never really had much of a hold on anyone, and exists strictly as mindless fun, and late night cable or spanish language programming. Again, you really just watch this film to see JCVD kick some almighty ass.
A Night At The Roxbury
Made: 1998Directed By: John Fortenberry
Actors Of Note: Chris Kattan, Will Ferrell, Molly Shannon, Richard Greico
Plot, Such As It Is: Two brothers, Steve and Doug Butabi, are a pair of clubgoers that are miserable failures at both getting into clubs, as well as meeting women. By day, they work in a plant store, mostly fucking off, while also dreaming of building a club on the level of the Roxbury, which they can never enter. Tension is also provided by the fact that their father wishes Steve would marry the aggrevating daughter of the lamp store next door, allowing them to combine the two businesses. One day, the two finally do enter the Roxbury after meeting Richard Greico shortly after an accident, where the two meet the clubs owner, who takes an instant liking to them. The two wind up meeting a pair of women, with whom they have awkward sex with, until they are wind up on the wrong side of the owner's bodyguard, played by Colin Quinn. Their world falls apart after the brothers have a falling out, and Doug moves into the family guest house. Steve ends up dating the lamp store owner's daughter, until the day of the wedding, when the two reconcile and Steve breaks off the engagement. The two brothers end up seeing their club idea after all, and discover that they are, in fact, part owners, with the club having been constructed by the club owner from earlier in the film, and the two go on happily ever after.
Why I Like This Movie: The film was born of a rather hillarious SNL sketch, which probably didn't merit being made into a movie, but was. The film's novelty wears thin quickly, resulting in the inevitable drag that terrible movies usually experience. That said, it does have it's stupid humor in droves, and has cursed Collin Quinn with the infamous "Did you touch my ass?" line that plagues him to this day. Sadly, it's probably one of the more successful SNL film productions ever made by the studio, and despite it being hammered by critics, it enjoys a cult following. I won't sit through this movie entirely, but I'll catch it from time to time and watch a good 45 minutes of it. One final note about this flick is that it's soundtrack is very much a time capsule of the time. Anyone that remembers the house music of the 90's will identify the movie's soundtrack as fairly accurate time capsule of the era.
And that's it for now. I don't think I can write about more awesomely bad movies for now. Until next time....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)