With that in mind, here are ten of my favorite awful movies, in no particular order.
All images from Wikipedia, BTW.
Over The Top
Made: 1987Directed By: Menahem Golan
Actors Of Note: Sylvester Stallone.
Plot, Such As It Is: Stallone stars as Lincoln Hawk, a truck driver who arm wrestles on the side to earn some extra coin. At the request of his dying ex-wife, he picks up his estranged son to spend time with him as they cruise across the US. Father and son bond, but arrive too late to see Hawk's wife before she passes away. Hawk's rich asshole former father in law, Jason Cutler, refuses to allow Hawk to keep his grandson, and after saying goodbye, Hawk heads to Vegas to compete in the World Arm Wrestling Championship. During the tourney, Cutler offers to essentially buy his son off of him with the promise of half a million and a new semi, and Hawk's son finds out about his grandfather being an asshole by his repeated actions to drive a wedge between his parents and himself. During perhaps one of the most constepated arm wrestling scenes you'll ever see, Hawk's son arrives at the crucial moment, giving Hawk the needed boost to win. Father and son reconcile, grandfather gets out of the way, and all live happily ever after.
Why I Like This Movie: It's essentially Rocky, but less athletic. That said, it's so honestly cheesy and poorly acted, with characters that are essentially no more developed other than the cardboard cutout chick at the Circle K, that it's just awesome. Where else can you see life and death stakes on arm wrestling, as well as Stallone performing Hawk's shifting hand grip, which was the clear give away that, oh shit, Hawk's gonna put this away! It's a stupid movie, but damn it, I'll still watch the hell out of this movie if only because I'll laugh my ass off at half of the "dramatic sequences."
On a side note, this probably won't be the last of these movies starring Stallone, who has made a career of appearing in absolute horse shit movies, some of which are just simply bad. Rhinestone bad!
Idle Hands
Made: 1999Directed By: Rodman Flender
Actors Of Note: Jessica Alba, Seth Green, and really, that's about all you need to know.
Plot, Such As It Is: Essentially, Anton is the typical teenage stoner, who by some odd trick of the universe, discovers that his right hand has become possessed. Anton engages in a string of murders against his will, though he does end up starting a relationship with his cute neighbor Molly (Alba). After severing his hand to protect himself, the hand escapes Anton's prison (his microwave) and proceeds to go on a rampage. Eventually, the hand is defeated (humerously by getting it stoned before it is killed with a knife), and Anton lives happily ever after with Molly.
Why I Like This Movie: To be honest, this is an absolutely stupid movie. I've only seen this movie the whole way through once or twice. The writing is horrid, it's premise is too stupid to work for a horror movie, and it doesn't have enough cheap yucks or zany humor for it to work as a stoner movie. Really, there is only one reason why I even bother with this movie in spurts. And that reason is Jessica Alba, who is quite the cutie in this film. If I recall, the past and lamer teenage version of myself had a major crush on her at the time (I was one of the few that watched Dark Angel religiously) before I realized that she really couldn't act worth a damn. In any case, Idle Hands makes my list simply because, really, Alba is almost worth the price of admission in this movie. Not full weekend price, but the matinee price at the most.
Death Race
Made: 2008Directed by: Paul W. S. Anderson
Actors Of Note: Actually, some solid actors here with Jason Statham, Joan Allen, Tyrese Gibson, Ian McShane, Natalie Martinez, David Carradine, and the dude from Machete.
Plot, Such As It Is: Jensen Ames, a former professional race car driver accused of murdering his wife, is sent to compete in the Death Race pay per view event as the wildly popular driver Frankenstein, who had died in the previous race, in exchange for his freedom. After some pretty awesome racing combat sequences, Ames discovers that he was framed, plans his escape with the other remaining driver, and rides off into the sunset.
Why I Like This Movie: Yes, it's stupid, and it lacks the B movie violence and gore (and Sylvester Stallone) that the original had, but for the most part, there is one factor that makes this movie a favorite and a must watch: Jason Statham. Statham is one of my favorite actors to watch, and while he does a great deal of tough guy work, he is a fairly good serious actor too, in the limited amount of serious work he does. Most of his work is entertaining, and worth watching, with the exception of the Crank series, which is honestly too stupid to even be considered good by bad movie standards. In any case, Death Race has an enjoyable amount of violence, the incredibly delectable Natalie Martinez, and, while shallow, doesn't attempt to be anything more than good fun entertainment. It's a action flick you'll never have to turn your brain on to enjoy. Just sit back, order a pizza, and pop open a beer. It's a couple of hours of great fun. Spike usually runs it about once a week.
Punisher: War Zone
Made: 2008Directed By: Lexi Alexander
Actors Of Note: Ray Stevenson is the lead, and the only guy that did anything signficant is Wayne Knight, better known as Neuman from Seinfeld.
Plot, Such As It Is: Frank Castle, the Punisher, essentially just murders his way though the mob, as penance for accidentally murdering a police officer. Yeah, the plot is paper thin here, enough so that, really, I can't sum it up more than this..
Why I Like This Movie: To be honest, I do like this movie mostly because it's a lot like the modern Punisher comics that have been released since Garth Ennis completely redid the character in the "Welcome Back, Frank" storyline close to ten years ago. It's not easy viewing, but to be honest, if you like watching horror movies simply for the violence and gore, this will probably get your motor running. This, I think, is the last of the Marvel movies before everything was redone under the Marvel Movie Universe line, which has obviously been quite successful. Also occassionally shown on Spike.
Hard To Kill
Made: 1990Directed By: Bruce Malmuth
Actors Of Note: Steven Segal, Kelly LeBrock
Plot, Such As It Is: Mason Storm (Segal), a honest cop, uncovers what appears to be corruption on a tape (for all we know, it could just be his taped reruns of Knight Rider on the thing.) He is attacked, along with his partner, by corrupt cops, and survives, but is in a coma. Storm awakens years later, but is still a target by the corrupt cop cabal. He's saved by Lisa from Weird Science (I'm not kidding), and trains himself back into fighting form at her place. After recovering said Knight Rider reruns, Segal fights his way to the source of the corruption, a Senator whom he recognized from before thanks to a cheesy catch phrase I can't remember at the moment, and is able to finally clear his name, and reunite with his now teenage son.
Why I Like This Movie: It's one of Segal's only real acting jobs, and even then that's kind of a stretch to say that. The sad part of this movie is that the potential was here for it to actually be a quality movie. Had the producers tried to cast this with actual actors, instead of Segal, Kelly LeBrock, and the regular run of the mill martial arts bad guys, there really could have been something here. Still, it's entertaining, and represents on of LeBrock's only real roles of note outside of Weird Science. The dialogue is laughable enough due to the fact that this movie has one of the worsts ensamble casts outside of Double Impact and, of course, the now infamous Street Fighter.
Days Of Thunder
Made: 1990Directed By: Tony Scott
Actors Of Note: Tony Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Robert Duvall, Carey Elwes, Randy Quiad
Plot, Such As It Is: Cole Trickle (one of the best and worst names ever), a successful Indy Car Driver, is recruited to drive in the NASCAR series by Randy Quaid. Cole has trouble finishing races, due to the change in cars, but eventually enjoys success until a massive car wreck results in Trickle sustaining serious injuries. He winds up romancing his surgon, Kidman, while a new hotshit driver (the Dread Pirate Roberts from the Princess Bride) winds up taking over his spot on the team. When Trickle returns, tensions escalate until he is fired for wrecking his rival into a wall. Trickle eventually returns to racing when one of his former rivals, turn friends, asks him to pinch hit as a driver at Daytona. In dramatic fashion, complete with mechanical failure, Trickle wins out. End credits.
Why I Like This Movie: This is probably one of the first signs that Tom Cruise was mailing it in, in terms of movies. Essentially, this is pretty much the framework for Top Gun, except with NASCAR and Nicole Kidman built on top of it. The story is similar to Top Gun, in that a cocky, up and comer suffers a much need fall, dusts himself off and, once given a second chance, is able to shine and come up on top. The acting isn't great, despite the fact that there are a great deal of quality actors in this film, and the racing scenes are fairly well done. Overall, there are some that love this film, and others that hate it. Personally, I see it as just what it is, namely Talladega Nights taking itself much more seriously than it deserves to.
Judge Dredd
Made: 1995
Directed By: Danny Cannon
Actors Of Note: Sylvester Stallone, Diane Lane, Rob Schneider?
Plot, Such As It Is: After World War III, human kind has collected in Giant cities, called Megacities (how original) which are policed by officers called Judges, which are police, judge, and executioner. The most famous of them is Judge Dredd, who is subsequently framed for murder and exiled. However, Dredd discovers that there is tretchery afoot, tthat his clone brother Rico, whom he had judged years earlier and had sent to prison, had engineered the entire affair to gain power and revenge. Dredd makes it back to the city, aided by Schneider, whom he had judged earlier in the film, and is able to mount enough of a counterattack that he is able to defeat his brother and restore order to Megacity I.
Why I Like This Movie: For starters, the give away that this is going to be a terrible film is that Stallone's name is in large print at the very top of the poster. That right there is usually a dead giveaway when it comes to terrible Stallone pictures. As for the movie, it should be noted that Judge Dredd the comic is based more along the lines of the film Dirty Harry, in which justice is faceless, unrelenting, and eventually, successful. There is humor, of the dark part, and even the artwork in the magazine is meant to be dark, gritty, and utilitarian. This is not what Judge Dredd the Movie is. While it takes itself way too seriously, the movie itself is rather hammy and corny. Dredd fans were upset over the fact that the movie itself ignored several conventional Dredd guidelines (no romantic interests, Dredd's face can never be shown for starters), and while really that shouldn't be a large issue, it should be noted. The large problem with this film is that, aside from it being poorly acted, there are too many agendas at work. Is this a film about what makes a man, which is wrestled by Dredd after he discovers his origins? Is this a film about the dangers of cloning, or the dangers of having a police state that has too much power over the lives of it's citizens? A danger about what could eventually arise out of catestorphic war if we aren't willing to think and guide current events outselves? Or is this just meant to be a large amount of good, cheesy fun? No one knows, although the legacy of this film is the later. Even Stallone admits that he may have fumbled the ball with this film. Fortunately, while I do have a soft spot in my heart for this film, the character looks to be getting a worthwhile adaptation this fall with the movie Dredd. On another note, one interesting nugget about the film is the inclusion of the song, Dredd Song, written by The Cure. The reason why I bring this up is that is is probably one of their only appearances on a soundtrack that isn't set in the 1980's and is also completely out of what they would normally contribute to.
Robot Jox
Made: 1989Directed By: Stuart Gordon
Actors Of Note: Does it really matter?
Plot, Such As It Is: After World War III, natural resources are scarce. Rather than find ways to properly manage these resources, the nations of the world instead decides to distribute these precious goods over giant robot battles. Those that pilot them are called Jocks. The main "Jock" in the film is Achillies, who is entering his final fight, while also training, and perhaps wanting to bang his replacement, Athena. His arch nemesis is a man by the name of Alexander, a Russian (of course, as this was made towards the end of the cold war, when the Russians were still supposed to be the bad guys.) What happens is that Achillies accidentally kills some spectators during his final match, which haunts him until he finds out that Athena will fight in his place at the rematch. Long story short, there are some epic robot battles, which even take place in space, before Achillies and Alexander, out of respect, stop fighting and salute each other.
Why I Like This Movie: In terms of acting ensembles, this is one of the worst ever collected. The plot line is absolutely horrid, and has so many holes that you could drive a fleet of mack trucks through it and not do any damage. But why do I love this movie? GIANT FUCKING ROBOT BATTLES! Oh hell yes! This is actually a movie that should totally be remade. Imagine the possibilities, with an actual plot. I've only seen this movie in English once, and haven't seen it in a Region I DVD. I have, however, seen it countless times in Spanish, which I understand. That is irrelevant, again, because of the GIANT FUCKING ROBOT BATTLES!
GIANT FUCKING ROBOT BATTLES!
Sorry, I had to say it one more time.
Double Impact
Made: 1991Directed By: Sheldon Lettich
Actors Of Note: Just a whole lotta Jean Claude Van Damme
Plot, Such As It Is: Twin brothers seperated at birth, Chad and Alex, are reunited 25 years after their family was murdered by a business partner, seeking to consolodate his hold over their mutual business holdings (yeah, that sounds stupid, but I'm talking about Double Freaking Impact, so hush.) The two subsequently are targeted by the Chinese Triads, who are in league with their parents' killers, and after some bumps along the road, the two are able to avenge the death of their parents, stop the Triads for good, and become brothers once more.
Why I Like This Movie: This is probably the closest anyone would ever get to having a Double Dragon movie, and yes I'm aware that Double Dragon was made into a movie. It sucked. And this is my blog anyway, so pound sand. This movie was trumpeted as being Van Damme vs. Van Damme, although it really never gets to that point. There are some good action sequences, and a lot of ridiculous dialogue and T&A, which was par for the course of a lot of Van Damme movies. However, unlike a lot of the earlier Van Damme films, like Bloodsport, Kickboxer, and Universal Soldier (the holy trinity of JCVD films), Double Impact never really had much of a hold on anyone, and exists strictly as mindless fun, and late night cable or spanish language programming. Again, you really just watch this film to see JCVD kick some almighty ass.
A Night At The Roxbury
Made: 1998Directed By: John Fortenberry
Actors Of Note: Chris Kattan, Will Ferrell, Molly Shannon, Richard Greico
Plot, Such As It Is: Two brothers, Steve and Doug Butabi, are a pair of clubgoers that are miserable failures at both getting into clubs, as well as meeting women. By day, they work in a plant store, mostly fucking off, while also dreaming of building a club on the level of the Roxbury, which they can never enter. Tension is also provided by the fact that their father wishes Steve would marry the aggrevating daughter of the lamp store next door, allowing them to combine the two businesses. One day, the two finally do enter the Roxbury after meeting Richard Greico shortly after an accident, where the two meet the clubs owner, who takes an instant liking to them. The two wind up meeting a pair of women, with whom they have awkward sex with, until they are wind up on the wrong side of the owner's bodyguard, played by Colin Quinn. Their world falls apart after the brothers have a falling out, and Doug moves into the family guest house. Steve ends up dating the lamp store owner's daughter, until the day of the wedding, when the two reconcile and Steve breaks off the engagement. The two brothers end up seeing their club idea after all, and discover that they are, in fact, part owners, with the club having been constructed by the club owner from earlier in the film, and the two go on happily ever after.
Why I Like This Movie: The film was born of a rather hillarious SNL sketch, which probably didn't merit being made into a movie, but was. The film's novelty wears thin quickly, resulting in the inevitable drag that terrible movies usually experience. That said, it does have it's stupid humor in droves, and has cursed Collin Quinn with the infamous "Did you touch my ass?" line that plagues him to this day. Sadly, it's probably one of the more successful SNL film productions ever made by the studio, and despite it being hammered by critics, it enjoys a cult following. I won't sit through this movie entirely, but I'll catch it from time to time and watch a good 45 minutes of it. One final note about this flick is that it's soundtrack is very much a time capsule of the time. Anyone that remembers the house music of the 90's will identify the movie's soundtrack as fairly accurate time capsule of the era.
And that's it for now. I don't think I can write about more awesomely bad movies for now. Until next time....
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