Happy Hour!
I'm a bit of a beer afficinado, so I figured I would dedicate a section to the various brews I experience in the comfort of my own home. So, I'll be introducing the Happy Hour tag, to detail my thoughts on beer, and the like.
But, for my first feature, I'll be delving into the world where people have experimented with, and possibly done things that they are not proud of. A world where people are looked at with scorn, with amusement, and a category that is typically classified as only fit for the homeless, or drifters.
The world of Malt Liquor.
Accounted here are various assortments of the different types of malt beer I have experienced, and my thoughts after experiencing them. Usually, it's terrible. Enjoy my horror.
Colt .45
Made By: Pabst Brewing Company
The iconic Colt .45, which begins this list, actually has had a pretty good run, as it’s over 40 years old and carries a cult like following that cannot be shaken, kinda like The Grateful Dead, only less relevant. I first encountered this bit of bad news at my cousin’s bachelor party, where the best man unveiled this little beast in a paper bag. It got passed around like Kim Kardashian, where we all got to “enjoy” this bottle. It’s pale yellow, it’s got a taste that will make you grimace worse than Clint Eastwood, and the aftertaste stays with you for a while. It’s also fairly potent, but that’s really the whole point of this cheap crap, to get you blitzed on the contents of your change tray. Never experienced it again, though countless other people evidently have to ensure that this brand stays alive, along with Billy Dee Williams’ relevance outside of Star Wars.
King Cobra
Made By: Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
Funny story involving this hooch. One night, before seeing Spider-man 2, a friend and I had the genius idea of going to the nearest Albertson's and buying whatever we could as a pre-game, with what we had in the ashtray and our pockets. We had a little over two dollars. And we found this.
We probably should have known something bad was going to happen when the clerk offered us a paper bag to drink this stuff in. But, we didn't pay the man any heed. We popped it open, split it between us, and waited to see what happened. Wackiness ensued, mostly involving air hockey.
This isn't too nasty tasting, but it does have a horrific after taste, and your breath will smell to high heaven afterward. It's also the most filling and potent of the stuff on this list, so if you're going this route, share with a friend.
High Gravity
Made By: Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
Ah, yes, High Gravity. Made by the Anheuser Busch company, this is quite simply one of the foulest things I have ever had the misfortune of trying. And I didn’t even buy this. A good friend of mine, who goes by the alias Quentin Connors on Facebook, brought over some tall boys of this swill one Friday night. It’s the traditional golden color of the horrors to come when you drink this cheap shit, and smells like rejection if it could be distilled. It tastes like death, with an aftertaste of pestilence and it’s potent as all hell. You will not be in any condition for productive behavior the next day. If it’s any comfort to you, the cartoon Squidbillies and Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show will actually be watchable.
Steel Reserve
Made By: Steel Brewing Company
Steel Reserve is not to be taken lightly. It’s quite dangerous, as one tallboy will leave you buzzing like there’s no tomorrow. Two tallboys will cause a Back To The Future event, where two sonic booms and an instant flash of light later, you’ll be wondering what happened to the past twelve hours. In terms of taste, it’s actually not that bad, though you do have that nifty (and by nifty I mean horrid) aftertaste in your mouth long after the tallboy ends. Still, this shit isn’t too bad. It’s still swill, it still tastes skunky, but it doesn’t nearly carry the stigma and shame of spending the evening with it as many of the other beverages on this list carry. It’s basically Ke$ha in a can.
Sapporo Reserve
Made By: Sapporo Brewery
The most recent of the list, Sapporo Reserve was bought by accident, as was purchasing some of the wonderful Sierra Nevada Porter, when I saw this golden can. I thought, "Hey, I do like Sapporo, why not?" And for three bucks, it didn't seem too bad. It was only after I made the purchase and inspected the can at home that I discovered, what I actually had was the Japanese equivalent of a Steel Reserve. I cracked this open on a Friday night, before settling down to a marathon of Doctor Who.
And actually, this is actually pretty good. It does pour like a malt beer, but it's not heavy, nor does it have that skunky taste to it when you drink it. It has very little after taste, nor does it smell. Actually, it was quite refreshing. It also does not pack the whallop that traditional cheap beer does, and actually leaves you feeling pretty nice, thought I would recommend that you take one and call it a night.
So, there you have it. My list of cheap crap. Hopefully, you all have a lot more class, and avoid experimenting too much from the stuff in this list. Though if you do, please follow the guide with care.
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