Sleeping Beauty Is Fucking Useless

I watched Sleeping Beauty with my niece recently.  It was fun, watching on a old VHS tape, seeing her little face light up as she watched it, and my own memories of the film.  It’s something I grew up with, and watched often with my sister and cousins.  Hell, one of my cousins still proudly proclaims Princess Aurora to be her favorite princess.

As I watched, two thoughts came to mind.

One, the animation is amazing, and still looks great to this day.  It looks like you're literally taking a peek into one of those old school tomes that you used to see monks in medieval films writing and illustrating.

Two, Princess Aurora has got to be the most absolutely useless of the Disney Heroines.

Think about it.  Really, there are only two or three real sequences where she has any sort of usefulness.

1. The Dancing Sequence in the Forest, which may or may not have led to bestiality had Prince Philip not interrupted.
2. Her tantrum at discovering that not only is she set for life as a princess, but unfortunately has to leave the random stranger she met in the woods behind forever.  Oh shit, what a trade off!
3. The scene where she can’t resist the urge to touch that god damn spindle, which could possibly be emitting more neon light than Vegas.

And that’s pretty much it.  Some resume, huh?  In fact, when you think about it, Sleeping Beauty is really the only Disney film in which the princess is outshone by the supporting cast.

Hat Tip To J. Scott Campbell

First off, she has one of the most iconic baddies in Maleficent, who not only crashes baby showers to deliver evil curses and possibly finish off the cocktail weenies, but also can turn into a huge ass dragon and can tear shit up if necessary.  And who knows what plans she had for Prince Philip by keeping him hostage in the dungeon until he was older than Hugh Hefner.  Me thinks Maleficent had a kinky streak in her and that her plans were less along the lines of ultimate evil and vengeance and more along the lines of buttsex.

Hat Tip To SquareEnix

Speaking of Prince Philip, outside of the Beast from Beauty and The Beast and Grumpy from Snow White, there probably isn’t a more competent male character in the Disney Universe.  The man can ride a horse, is brave, honest, can whoop a lot of ass, and shows a talent from trimming hedges.  Homeboy can be my wingman anytime.

Hat Tip To Disney

And who can forget the fairies, who have all the magical abilities of Harry Potter and the lovable traits of the Golden Girls?  These ladies are awesome.  The wardrobe possibilities that they can pull off alone made them kick ass.  You’ll never have to do laundry or spend a day at the mall again.  Though be prepared to be flickering like a sign at some sleazy hotel as they fight over the color possibilities. Although those places do usually have the magic fingers.  Those things are awesome!

Pouring out the 40 before going to drink in front of their Mom's house.

Even the father-in-laws have more of a purpose on the film than Princess Aurora.  They only have one real sequence in the entire film, but it’s awesome!  Their contribution of easily the best drinking song in the Disney Universe alone is enough for them to get at least some sort of generic overpriced shanty tavern in Frontierland in Disneyland:Deluth.

Really, when you break it down, Princess Aurora is really a side character in her own film.  You really don’t meet her until a quarter of the way through, and spends half her time out cold on her back.  Yeah, sorry cousin, if I want my niece to emulate a character, I’ll focus on someone a lot more kick ass.  Like Mulan.

Bonus Clip:  Skumps! Bitches!